Big City Syndrome

I’ve been getting a couple messages from friends lately telling me I look like I’m doing great. And I guess for the amount of time I’ve been in Toronto, I am. I don’t downplay how far I’ve gotten in such a short period of time.

However, I don’t think I’m flourishing in the ways I really wanted to be at this point.

It took me a bit of time to establish myself in Edinburgh. As everyone who knows me knows by now, the first few months were some of the toughest of my life. But after a while I fell into a group of good friends and like-minded people and started finding the things in the city that made me smile.

Unfortunately, I grew accustomed to how easy it was to get off a train half an hour outside of the city and be somewhere with amazing hiking trails or hills or Monroes with views that would make me cry. Nothing warmed my spirit more or made me feel less alone than walking next to the ocean or doing my best to reach the top of a big hill (even if I did these things on my own).

In Scotland I found so much peace in nature. I forgot how hard it is to find places like that in or around Toronto, especially if you don’t have a car.

Currently, writing is my only solace from a city I’m finding very overwhelming. I’m trying my best not to be too negative and to just make myself be happy, the same way I did for a while in Edinburgh, but it’s been difficult. What about a big city like Toronto makes me smile? I don’t know yet. And realistically the only way forward is to suck it up, stop being a baby, and try new things.

To be honest, I haven’t laughed hard in a long time. And that’s hurting me too. I love to laugh until I cry. I love it so much and I miss it so much. I know in time I will laugh again and feel at peace again, and I really hope I can do so in a busy city. Time heals all wounds but as I’ve learned, happiness doesn’t just come with time. It comes with hard work. And for me, it’s become something I find when I’m alone in nature or laughing with others who support me and who I can support in return. Right now those people are few and far between but the one or two I do have treat me like gold, and I’m so lucky to have them.

Toronto has been showing me some different sides I haven’t seen just yet though so I’m holding out hope that soon enough I’ll find my niche and in a couple of months have a gaggle of hilarious, caring, and selfless people by my side who help expose those great attributes in me too.


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